Having just read my last post, from just a minute ago, I can't help but wonder - how likely is it that starting my period just a few hours ago has had some effect on how I feel?
I don't really think of myself as a slave to my hormones. I don't really get PMT... at least not like my mum, who once threw a toaster at my dad in a hormonal tizzy. Perhaps my concept of what constitutes "affected by my hormones" is a little higher than most people's.
I'm not pregnant. That sucks.
But... a fresh, clean womb, a fresh, clean start. Mm-hm. Interesting.
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Another door slams shut.
Since my last post we have had sex exactly six times - an average of about ten days between each awkward, embarrassing fuck. I guess I got a little overexcited thinking that a new motivation might actually be motivating.
I admit I'd been using Project Knock Me Up as an excuse to badger him into sex, or at least a new reason to bring it into our sphere of reference. What could turn a man on more than "We need to have sex, I have egg white mucus and I think I'm ovulating"? Yeah, I know. Not the sexiest. But if all the usual reasons to fuck - bonding, attraction, wanting to help your partner feel happy and desired and loved, wanting to feel happy and desired and loved in return, blah blah blah - aren't enough, if both my caresses and my plaintiff and blunt "When can we have sex?" are met with blank indifference, then surely he can't argue with science? He's a man, for fuck's sake, men love science. So I've been all about the luteinizing hormone surge and the cervical mucous, and boy doesn't he know it. I'm a trying-to-conceive junkie, a babyvangelist.
But it would appear that this, too, is an unwelcome approach. The night of my ovulation, I got a blunt rebuffal (I can't remember if it was "too tired" or "sore throat") and a ticking off. Apparently, all this sexy medical talk is offputting. And yeah, I can see that might be the case. But, I explained, it's important that he understands what is happening to me so he knows when and why it's important to fuck. And while trying to be seductive and sexy, you know, kissing him and trying to turn him, on has zero effect, talking to him about fertility matters is a way for me to segue the subject of sex into our conversations.
He said he just didn't want me to talk about it right before sex, and that I should carry on trying to be seductive and sexy, it isn't pointless. Yes, I said, it is, and constantly getting knocked back is horrible. Embarassing, awkward, demeaning and depressing. How, I asked him, does one arouse the unarousable man? At which point he went stony-faced and silent, and I went off to the bathroom to cry.
So I'm back to blatantly asking, because I don't know what else to do, and I feel more anxious than ever about it. I've been promised (and denied) sex "tomorrow" every day for the past eight days. Every single day he's found an excuse. And just when I thought I'd found a new way to gently trick him into talking about, or even having, sex, a portal through which I could ask him to address this issue without putting my self-esteem on the chopping block, he's taken it away from me. Time to find another door, and hope he has the strength to hold it open.
I admit I'd been using Project Knock Me Up as an excuse to badger him into sex, or at least a new reason to bring it into our sphere of reference. What could turn a man on more than "We need to have sex, I have egg white mucus and I think I'm ovulating"? Yeah, I know. Not the sexiest. But if all the usual reasons to fuck - bonding, attraction, wanting to help your partner feel happy and desired and loved, wanting to feel happy and desired and loved in return, blah blah blah - aren't enough, if both my caresses and my plaintiff and blunt "When can we have sex?" are met with blank indifference, then surely he can't argue with science? He's a man, for fuck's sake, men love science. So I've been all about the luteinizing hormone surge and the cervical mucous, and boy doesn't he know it. I'm a trying-to-conceive junkie, a babyvangelist.
But it would appear that this, too, is an unwelcome approach. The night of my ovulation, I got a blunt rebuffal (I can't remember if it was "too tired" or "sore throat") and a ticking off. Apparently, all this sexy medical talk is offputting. And yeah, I can see that might be the case. But, I explained, it's important that he understands what is happening to me so he knows when and why it's important to fuck. And while trying to be seductive and sexy, you know, kissing him and trying to turn him, on has zero effect, talking to him about fertility matters is a way for me to segue the subject of sex into our conversations.
He said he just didn't want me to talk about it right before sex, and that I should carry on trying to be seductive and sexy, it isn't pointless. Yes, I said, it is, and constantly getting knocked back is horrible. Embarassing, awkward, demeaning and depressing. How, I asked him, does one arouse the unarousable man? At which point he went stony-faced and silent, and I went off to the bathroom to cry.
So I'm back to blatantly asking, because I don't know what else to do, and I feel more anxious than ever about it. I've been promised (and denied) sex "tomorrow" every day for the past eight days. Every single day he's found an excuse. And just when I thought I'd found a new way to gently trick him into talking about, or even having, sex, a portal through which I could ask him to address this issue without putting my self-esteem on the chopping block, he's taken it away from me. Time to find another door, and hope he has the strength to hold it open.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
