Two conversations, throughout both of which I sobbed uncontrollably.
Conversation one:
V: Every time you're affectionate with me I feel like you want it to turn sexual. I worry that you don't actually love me, you just want me for sex.
B: If I just wanted you for sex I would have left you a long time ago.
::pause::
V: I suppose.
B: It's precisely because I love you so much that this is so difficult. I'm still with you because I love you, I want us to stay together and I want to fix this. I want to have a sex life with you, because I love you.
::pause::
V: I suppose.
::pause::
B: To me, when you love someone, you want to have sex with them, because that's what bonds you together, that's what makes it a relationship rather than a friendship. In refusing to do so, it feels like you're telling me you don't love me, you are pushing me away, telling me you don't love me, and destroying the bond between us.
::pause::
And if we split up because you won't have sex, you'll wind up telling yourself you were right all along about me just wanting you for sex. You'll tell yourself you've proven yourself right, even though the reason I am still here is because I love you so much, not because I'm just after sex.
V: I suppose.
Conversation two:
B: I feel like I've been duped. You pretended you wanted me, you pretended you wanted sex with me, you pretended you loved sex. You enter into a monogamous relationship with someone with the understanding that you will have a sexual relationship with them. It's part of the deal. And now I don't have a sexual relationship with anyone but myself.
::silence::
What can I do? Is there anything I can do to help?
::silence::
Do you want to have sex with other people?
V: No.
B: Can I?
V: I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. If you want to have sex with other people we should probably just split up.
B: But I want to have sex with someone! I want it to be you! And you won't do anything! It's like having something blocking an airway, like I can't breathe. There's a whole part of my personality that can't be expressed without you letting me express it. It's cruel.
V: I know. I'm sorry.
B: I know you're sorry. But what are you going to do?
V: I don't know.
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I'm very sorry for you. I know what you mean with the feeling of love for your partner and your desire for sex. Is your partner trying to improve things? I know my wife is trying, it's just very very slow to fix some of the problems we've had in the past. I hope things get better for you. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteHey Mr B. He is, kind of. But he's approaching it verrrrry sloooowly from the perspective of trying to improve our relationship in other areas. The sex part gets ignored, even though everything I've read during my hours of research says that the best way to get through a low-desire period is the Nike approach - just do it, you'll be fine once you get going.
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