Since my last post we have had sex exactly six times - an average of about ten days between each awkward, embarrassing fuck. I guess I got a little overexcited thinking that a new motivation might actually be motivating.
I admit I'd been using Project Knock Me Up as an excuse to badger him into sex, or at least a new reason to bring it into our sphere of reference. What could turn a man on more than "We need to have sex, I have egg white mucus and I think I'm ovulating"? Yeah, I know. Not the sexiest. But if all the usual reasons to fuck - bonding, attraction, wanting to help your partner feel happy and desired and loved, wanting to feel happy and desired and loved in return, blah blah blah - aren't enough, if both my caresses and my plaintiff and blunt "When can we have sex?" are met with blank indifference, then surely he can't argue with science? He's a man, for fuck's sake, men love science. So I've been all about the luteinizing hormone surge and the cervical mucous, and boy doesn't he know it. I'm a trying-to-conceive junkie, a babyvangelist.
But it would appear that this, too, is an unwelcome approach. The night of my ovulation, I got a blunt rebuffal (I can't remember if it was "too tired" or "sore throat") and a ticking off. Apparently, all this sexy medical talk is offputting. And yeah, I can see that might be the case. But, I explained, it's important that he understands what is happening to me so he knows when and why it's important to fuck. And while trying to be seductive and sexy, you know, kissing him and trying to turn him, on has zero effect, talking to him about fertility matters is a way for me to segue the subject of sex into our conversations.
He said he just didn't want me to talk about it right before sex, and that I should carry on trying to be seductive and sexy, it isn't pointless. Yes, I said, it is, and constantly getting knocked back is horrible. Embarassing, awkward, demeaning and depressing. How, I asked him, does one arouse the unarousable man? At which point he went stony-faced and silent, and I went off to the bathroom to cry.
So I'm back to blatantly asking, because I don't know what else to do, and I feel more anxious than ever about it. I've been promised (and denied) sex "tomorrow" every day for the past eight days. Every single day he's found an excuse. And just when I thought I'd found a new way to gently trick him into talking about, or even having, sex, a portal through which I could ask him to address this issue without putting my self-esteem on the chopping block, he's taken it away from me. Time to find another door, and hope he has the strength to hold it open.
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Hearing your words, brings up so many emotions for me. I am here with a similiar problem. I haven't figured it out yet, but damn I am going to try.
ReplyDeleteI suppose it shouldn't be a huge surprise that trying to have a baby wasn't the motivation your man needed for sex. I can try unsuccessfully to psychoanalyze him via your description, but it sounds like he doesn't want to grow up yet. The fact that he is still playing X-box makes me think he is trying to maintain being an irresponsible youth. Becoming a father means he can't be the kid any more, which isn't a cause for getting aroused.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a solution. I can't relate to a man who doesn't jump at the chance to have sex. Hell, I would have dropped the X-box and taken my wife on the living room floor if she made that offer. Are there any Xbox games that you can play with him? Can you play strip-Xbox? It sounds like the fun aspect is most important to him, more than the just having sex part. Sex in the shower, sex in the car, what can you do to make it more of a game?
These suggestions are just me grasping at straws. I don't have the answer for you. My wife is in counseling for depression and low hormone levels, but I doubt your husband is interested in counseling.
Good Luck.
@ChocDrop I'm sorry to hear you're another one with this issue. It's a nasty place to be. I do hope your efforts are fruitful - I've subscribed to your blog and will keep an eye on you!
ReplyDelete@Mr. B - I've subscribed to you too now. So sad that there is such a substrata of frustration out here in what I believe the kids call the blogosphere.
ReplyDeleteIronically, V has just passed 30 and is embracing it in every way. I don't think X-box playing is a sign of immaturity - perhaps it's a cultural difference here in the UK? I totally agree with you that conception isn't a great motivation for sex - it's more that sex has just become such a taboo between us that it became a way I (thought) could get to talk to him about it. Or (gasp!) do it. Huh. Noooo!
I wish the problem was lack of fun. That would be easily solved with a game of strip X-box. But we laugh and lark all the time. It's his lack of a sex drive of any description that's the issue. Nothing and no one arouses him. He doesn't look at other women. He rarely even masturbates. I can dildo myself silly right next to him and he barely flickers an eyelid - situations like this are embarrassing for him and humiliating for me, underlining his lack of libido and my lack of sex appeal. He is already in counselling, mainly for other reasons, but he says that he will talk to his counsellor about this. Whether he does or not remains to be seen. He seems so ashamed of himself that I wouldn't be surprised if he kept quiet.
This may be a longshot, but has he had his testosterone levels tested? My husband has two other medical issues which have affected his energy levels and libido for years (your sex life sounds like heaven to me), and the doctors have ascribed all his symptoms to those other things, I recently insisted that he have his testosterone tested. He had thought that, because he could become aroused, he was not having any phsyical issues.
ReplyDeleteHis testosterone levels were a full 50% below normal. He started using a gel a month ago, and the doctor just doubled the dosage. For the first time in years, I see a substantive difference in his symptoms.
Have we had sex yet? No, though he says he wants to "grab me" a lot more often. He's not really okay yet, and we have a lot of issues resulting from years of me feeling rejected and unattractive to work through--and we also need to relearn how to behave toward each other when he's well and I don't have to take care of and be responsible for EVERYTHING.
But now, I have hope.
@2olivegirl - sounds like you might have found the key and are embarking on a new phase of this journey. You also seem to have a good handle on what's going to be required of you. I hope it works out well for you.
ReplyDeleteAs for V's testosterone levels, I'm not sure. I think he's had them tested - he's certainly had "tests" - but I don't know whether he's been tested for that specifically. He's pretty closed about what goes on behind doctors' doors. I'll try to find a way to ask him that isn't "A woman who posted a message on my secret blog about our lack of sex life and my masturbatory fantasies wants to know if you've had your testosterone levels checked"! ;-)
Yeah, that might be the unfortunate way to ask that question...
ReplyDeleteWould it be better if you said "A total stranger who never gets any either was wondering if your problem is the same as her husband's"?
@2olivegirl - Ah, yes, much more subtle!
ReplyDeleteI actually asked him last night, using the all purpose "I was wondering... When you had all those blood tests, did they check your testosterone? Cos if your levels are low it might explain your tiredness as well as your libido."
He said he didn't know. When I asked him if he thought it was worth checking out, he said yes. That's about at much as I can get from him at the moment.