Or Beatrice. Or B. But obviously I'm not really. It's a nom de plume, so it makes no odds, as long as you spell it right.
I've been blogging my life elsewhere for a few years now. I've built up quite the little support network of online friends, some of whom have crossed over into real life, and some of whom have made the reverse journey from real life into online, joining me in my virtual home. It's all lovely and cosy and mutually supportive, but one of the problems of online transparency is that when writing about your life becomes your therapy, there are some things you just don't want to spout out to everyone you know.
I love V. We met online a few years ago through our blogs, love bloomed and we moved in together quickly. It was fait accompli before our demiversary. We've been together now for going on three years and plan to start a family together soon.
Yet while I adore him, and he me, and we have a lovely little life together, ours is not a bed of roses, and my need to write it all out cannot be fulfilled in my usual spot without me hanging out my dirty laundry all over my friends' desktops, and that wouldn't be fair on anyone. I've tried talking to my friends in real life - it was equally as unfair as public blogging and, frankly, embarrassing for all concerned, not to mention the advice I got was more or less useless and discounted the fact that I love my man and want us to stay together. Besides, I'm far more articulate with my fingers than I am with my mouth, hence this blog.
V has no sex drive. While the start to our relationship was heavily sexual, a whirlwind of cyber, phone sex, and dirty cellphone pics as long-distance things tend to be, his desire slid quietly out the door a short while after he moved all his stuff in through mine, and two years later it shows no sign of returning from its extended break. It's now been just over a month since we had any sexual contact bar desultory kissing. This is only slightly longer than the usual gap - normally I am able to wrestle one half-hearted fuck out of him every two to three weeks, if I'm lucky. What's different this time? A couple of things - firstly I'm giving him a break. He's just gone through a traumatic family event and I know full stop that sex is even further from his mind than it usually is, which is pretty fucking far. And secondly, I just can't take the rejection any longer. Putting myself through the agony of trying to wrench some sexual interest out of him is sapping at my dignity and self esteem, so I just can't pick at that scab any longer. I have to let it heal before I start digging my nails into it again.
I, on the other hand, have a love and need for sex greater than almost any other drive in my life. I've always been fascinated by it, and since I discovered orgasms at the age of 14 there's been little more important to me than using my body to feel good, and feeling desired by others. Without these twin energies my confidence plummets and every area in my life suffers, even though I know I am truly loved. My brain and my cunt are still abuzz with lust and desire, and images and fantasies constantly float across my mind's eye. But V has shut down from me and will barely discuss it, much less work on it. And knowing that I will be stonewalled and the damage that the repeated rejection has already done to my self esteem, I have all but shut down from him, and my sex life is reduced to the inside of my head, and my own hand rocking under the elastic of my knickers while he snores gently beside me, and I try not to wake him. Mostly. Sometimes I don't care, and I wank vigorously out of spite, hoping he knows exactly what I'm doing, and exactly why. Sometimes I hate him, through the overwhelming sense of love, for what he's putting me through.
So that's what this is all about. I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world and I desperately want us to stay together. But I need a place to spill and share and - oh god how I hate to use this as a verb - journal about how I feel about this relationship. Perhaps I'll be able to reconcile my need for sex with the knowledge that I am, for the first time in my life, truly in love with someone who loves me, and learn to make do and mend with a near-sexless relationship. Perhaps, and preferable to me, I will find ways to get our sex life, and with it, my own self esteem, back on track. Perhaps I'll just use this space to scream and shout and whine and write the odd bit of filth and get some much-needed attention. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. But I know from experience than ignoring a problem won't make it go away, so I have to do something. Without his help and on my own, this is the best I can do right now.
We seem to have very similar issues with our spouse - it is almost frightening how you have written what could be a post in my blog. I'm sorry you suffer the same lack of attention and understanding. I don't have the answers either. I'd certainly share them if I knew how to fix this. Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteYes, you two do seem to have the same problem. I made mention of this in what was probably the longest post I have ever dared to write. Contrary to popular belief, my posts are not written in advance. Be it the lack of sleep or the severe lateness/early hour depending on your view, I did fail to make a 'just in case' copy of what I had just written, as I know how posts can go awry... and so it did.
ReplyDeleteThus, I cursed myself, took a deep breath, looked at the clock, which read three minutes before 5am and started again. Still focused, my left hand started having control issues and typing irratic, often missing the right keys. I found myself continually backspacing and correcting, sighing. While correcting the word 'beautiful', did I see "bea"... and I paused. I caught myself smiling and then the most amazing thing happened. To which, I fell into a deep slumber with a thought.
I'll be back shortly to share that thought with you.
Unbroken - yes, it's quite uncanny. The only major difference seems to be that V agrees that we do indeed have a problem, and continues to ignore it, while your good lady wife refuses to accept even that. I don't know which is more frustrating, really, or more cruel.
ReplyDeleteDarkly Unknown - intriguing! Will you be sharing it here, or on your own blog? If the latter, invite me please, or I'll be left in the dark!
Bea,
ReplyDeleteJust as forever gets shorter with each passing day, shortly turned out to not be so short. My apologies. I do try to keep my promises so, here I am, not yet retired from yesterday.
I'm tired, cold and wanting nothing more than to hold on to my lady, look directly into her eyes as I begin to kiss her sweet lips. With my left hand tickling and massaging her neck, my right hand begins caressing her throat, collarbone, shoulder, eventually settling in and massaging a breast. Our mouths and tongues glide and dance with one another, then I slowly break away. My eyes still locked on hers, I begin to tell her how difficult it is to breathe when she is not around... how the journey seems rougher knowing that she exists somewhere. I go on to tell her that I love her.. and our interconnectedness has purpose with great and underlying meanings... but we can only exist if we connect reciprocally. That nothing less shall do. Nothingless will be tolerated. I say this for her benefit as well as myself...I repeat and say these words again and again... and then, I wake up, clutching a pillow. I notice that there is a wet spot where my mouth had been... It must have seemed real. I thought it was real, I think.. I did think.... it was the beginning of something real. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe we both could have done things differently. Maybe if we'd known one another... but I no longer care about any of that. My problem is neither lesser or greater to both Unbroken and yourself for I have no problem. Not any more, not after this post. Right here, right now, it no longer matters. I've let it go. It's passed through me now and if she should choose to do the same, or already has, than good for her. For I have nothing but grattitude for the whole entire experience and not just the pieces I decide upon but all that I remember for however long I shall remember.
For I have torn down and broken through, looking for an illusion? Something real, something unknown... Wow. I could swear that I just read 'his' side of the story right over there...and there, and there. Yes, and 'your' side, right there and there, over there.... (Note, that I did not point in any particular direction) In fact, he says he tries to touch you and that you push him away. She says shes told him, he says the same... Here, there, everywhere it's the same old story over and over, rehashed, replayed again.
And you, you say "boddill".
"Have a boddill o' beer."
I say it's "bottle".
Say "Bottle of beer".
Boddill o' beer.
Boddill o' beer.
Bottle of beer.
Boddill of beer. What?
Bottle of beer.
Bottle... of beer.
Sorry, I have a tendency to recite or quote passages from anything, anywhere, and anyone that resonates a similarity. No one rarely seems capable of connecting my so called dots, until one day, "she" appeared. "She", my lady, not only could connect all the dots, but she would go steps further by planting the next dots that I had yet to see. . utterly blew my mind and heart away, then apart. While I never physically felt her, she resonated a deeper, further, wider love than I had known. It was as if, all my thoughts and dreams, all that I've seen, done, felt, was somehow drafted on a blueprint of paper and then suddenly,
coffee was spilled on it. If you turned that print over and blotted dry, there lay her
imprint. Only heavier and deeper in some areas than mine. Together though, it made sense. This was my first mistake. I let my mind escape and soon caught up... another mistake. I wanted to wrap myself around her like a tight fitting leather glove...yet, another mistake. and another. and another. and...
Yes, my point is this. You, your boyfriend, Unbroken and I, each of us seems to think or
expect our significant others to do exactly what we would do to solve this problem.
Is it possible that this type of thinking is why we find ourselves in such predicaments? It's not that we aren't trying... it's that our logic is failing us. Our logic is leading us round and round in circles, frustrating everyone and all... Paralysis. It's all about paralysis. I couldn't function... I folded. Emotional and intellectual paralysis. Think Chekhov, Salinger, Beckett. The extraordinary last lines of Waiting for Godot.;
"Let's go."
"Yes."
"Let's go."
Stage directions:
"They do not move."
All of this mirrors like a fun-house mirror and amplifies like a distorted speaker. The greatest tragedies of our times - the death of the imagination. The imagination has moved out
of the realm of being our most personal link with our inner lives and the world outside that world, this world we share. What is schizophrenia but a horrifying state
where what's in here doesn't match what's out there? Why has imagination become a synonym for style? I believe the imagination
is the passport that we create to help take us into the real world. I believe the imagination is merely another phrase for what is most uniquely us.
Jung says "The greatest sin is to be unconscious." Our boy Holden says "What scares me most is the other guy's face." "It wouldn't be so bad if you could both be blindfolded."
Most of the time, the faces that we face
are not other faces but our own faces. This is worst sort of cowardness, being so scared of yourself that you put blindfolds on rather than deal with yourself. To face ourselves - that's the hard thing. The imagination is a gift to make the act of self-examination bearable.
When I stumbled on my lady's airing of the dirty laundry, I wasn't shocked. I understood. I was happy to know that she had a place to deal with any and all that she couldn't or wouldn't discuss with myself or others. So, even now, I understand. I too have been doing my part and hence, said to my lady that "we were fine" and I meant it but I also meant for her to eventually let me in, thus by saying fine was my way of trying to reassure her... yes, foolish perhaps but that's how I roll. That foolishness allows and afords me the right to make the impossible possible. Now, I have read both, Unbroken's words as well as yours Bea, along with a handful or more of other bloggers and each and every time I could swear you were directly talking to me. Of course, if you are or know of my lady, well, please let her know that I've set her free. I love her, so I shall do that for the both of us. I have searched for her, in hopes of finding her only to meet in person. To see if there was a mutual attraction in real life, that could sustain more than a week, then maybe then, we could start again... fresh and/or or not, deliver us from the past. I know there were problems, I never said there wasn't. I tried to hold on for as long as I could because of conflicting schedules. We didn't survive that and while I'd like to think we could or even had a chance, that time has long since past... but I wasn't looking for the past, I was using the past to want my future and that too is gone. Sure, I would have loved running my hands through her hair, touching her face and listening to her side of the story... and maybe even shedding mine if I wasn't a sucker for her intensity and passion, okay and her sexy brain, bod and wrists.... yes, all relationships have their share of problems. We deal with them as they come along. I never got to this time but I wasn't in a relationship nor a position to make one but maybe next time, with whomever, because there should be problems for any forward thinking, loving, growing bonding relationship. Then, of course, I'd like to address, because what is sexier than a hot growing, loving, caring, sharing, exploring, reaching, trancending, deeper harder faster love affair? That's right, nothing. So, everyone, unparalyze yourselves and be ready, willing, and open for the next time around...
To my unknown Lady, I'd like you in my life, preferably without drama, but either way, I know you're worth it.
Bea & Unbroken - Best of Luck. I will check in and again. Please keep me informed because I'll always be a romantic at heart.
Darkly, that may well be the longest comment ever made to a blog, ever. I would have published that just as a hurrah to your tenacity. I hope you have some sticking plasters for your typing fingers, and a bag of frozen peas to bring down the swelling.
ReplyDeleteWell, well done on letting it go. I'm not sure whether you mean "letting it go" as in "putting the issue on the back burner", or as in "ending the relationship". If the former, I have done this several times, with the result that I feel more comfortable and less angry, but even more asexual and undesirable. If the latter, I'm not ready to follow your example, and I hope that my challenge will be over long before it becomes an option I seriously consider. I don't expect my fella to deal with the situation in the way I would, but I do expect him to deal with it, and he's not, nor has he been for the past two years. Unless the difference in our styles is simply one of timing, and I really don't think it is. He is a deep thinker, sure. But there are plenty of areas of his life in which he has taken decisive action when it mattered to him - it's just that this isn't one of them.